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Meaning: She's breaking her own heart by ending it with this other person who has been stringing her along and she'll later torture herself by wondering if it was the right thing to do, because if she did ever come around maybe they would been something to behold.

Unfortunately, she does know that it's the right thing to do and breaks it off. =D

It is a great lie to say that I have given you the best of me.. It is absurd that I have loved you so much for that little moment we shared. It is at most disturbing to realize that I did what I have done to you. with the purpose of having you. I can say that you are not my top priority.. which you, all the time for that short moment we've shared, kept asking me. You to be on top of everything. You to be the center of my world. I just can't do that. I am not even sorry now because I knew that I didn't try that much.

When someone else comes and asks for my time and help, I can leave you or make you wait without feeling guilty or thinking that you would feel less important than my friends. I now ask myself, what kind of person I am to have done that?.. A person who doesn't really feel love. for you, that is. I'd even rather have someone calls me at 1 in the morning, I wouldn't mind giving my time to my friend who needs my help.. (even when sometimes help isn't needed but more of a drinking buddy.) than you wanting to talk all night on the phone. Maybe it's those moments I know for sure that you love me. Truly. Deeply. Inlove with me. It's those things that I know you love me enough to wait on me, let me do things, crazy things, things that can be against you and hurt you. But it isn't like I am taking you for granted, because I do appreciate the gift of you in my life. Even the smallest deed you showed me is forever remembered.

But for that moment, I let you in because I just want to make myself believe that I wasn't scared anymore. That I was ready to take risks. And I was. I am. I believed that I grew to be capable of taking risks once again. I believe that as much as I want to believe that I do love you too. But I can't. I wouldn't say I did not try to love you, because I did. The only fault was that I didn't try much more than you deserve. With sincerely wanting it for you. for us.

I guess you felt that. You felt that I was only pretending. And you did not want to be unfair to me. You don't want to feel that you are only just pushing me to be in this relationship. I knew that you felt that. And you made an excuse that can make you look bad to me and to the whole world. For all that, I know you truly love me. For that, I am still grateful.. Both of us deserve persons who are more worthy of our times. I can't anymore be hypocrite to you.. So I would not wish you bad, nor wish you well. Just live your life.. the way you know how. I'll stop talking. and you'll keep walking away. We both know that you got nothing on me.

Do you know that show in cable that swaps parents' and their child's lives?

I want. Well, not with my mom or dad. but just try to swap my life with someone. Not because I crave to be in someone else's shoes or that I want someone's life for me. But I want some or other people, maybe my friends, to feel what it's like to be me. To know where I am coming from. To know why I am like what or how I am during times that they can not even in the littlest amount understand me. Gets? okay.. moving on.

Saya with my grade school friends last night. And super not guilty ako kasi I still tried to drop by and greet fafa eric sa birthday party nya. and ganda nung sunrise this morning. Really made me smile for the past days that made me lose hope for a lot of things. It's one more breathe longer for a life I know I deserve to live and make most out of.

I was running after you. But a bullet caught me. The pain wasn't from the gunshot. But from the look I saw in your eyes, that you don't care at all. Never cared. And even for my last breathe, you will never care.

 

The day I got killed..

 

I found myself running through a long corridor with different pictures on the wall. With blurry faces I recognize that these are pictures of people that I seem to know, friends, family and those who came and pass by my life. As I try to reach the end, a door is slightly opened where a Man I longed for is standing. Almost trying to reach my hands. But as I got nearer like a hair strand away, the door shut on my face and silence fell around me.

 

The day I got killed..

 

I got up from my bed, did my usual routine, but as I looked up to the mirror, I did not see any reflection of my face, or a bit shadow of my image. I heard whispers.. "I loved you first, but I have to go." ... over and over I hear "...I have to go." Whispers turned into different voices, laughing and crying. Turned to loud screams. And I felt the warmest tears ever, rolling on my cheeks. I want to shut it out from my ear.. from my mind. Nothing can calm the voices. I tried to pray. I tried to beg. Nothing changes but the loudness that I can not stand anymore. I fall down to my knees screaming back.. screaming my lungs out... "...Never!!"

 

The day I got killed..

 

There was a touch that I felt. Cold and hard. A touch that turned to a tight grip to my heart. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak at all. I hate it and at the same time yearned to feel more pain. I want it to stop. I want it to end. But torn as I am, the other half of me enjoys the pain and the desperation that is enveloping me. I never felt strange like this before. And I knew time is running out from me. There is no more time. Then suddenly, Time stopped. It was gone. Like it never existed.

 

The day I got killed..

 

Realization hit me. Life ended life to give me a clean start. It was just like the same me except that it is utterly obvious I knew nothing of this fresh and cold start. No voice and name that I know. A rush flowed strikingly through my veins from my brain to the core of my heart. This rush gave me a chilling yet comforting feeling that I was fine. I am fine now. Strange as it may feels, I feel back at home, with no pains, no grudge, no happiness to sought after. Just like a kid rediscovering life. I knew I finally made a clean getaway.. But I miss you. I know I'll miss you every single day.

 

The day I got killed..

 

I learned to let go. Like an angel's misty dust that she lets go over the souls she watches over. Not at all a sacrifice I made for myself but a gift I unconditionally give to someone that I love like I love no other. It must have been insanity that really brought me here. Insanity feeding on despair and struggles through every heartaches and migraines my life possesses. Insanity that killed me, yet gave me this new life I am living.

 

All the same, I am not yet killed.. Just had a fresh new start. A difficult but a clean getaway.