"when is enough finally enough?"

- Masterpiece, Bayside

ganun ganun lang...

eh bigla kang dumaan sa isip ko.

at ang favorite line natin noon na... "todo-todo", na may tonong tayo lang ang makakaintindi kung bakit ganon ay parang binulong sakin. anghel o masamang espirito. di ako makapag-decide.

at ganun ganun lang din.. parang hanging nagparamdam sakin... ang lungkot na naramdaman ko na alam kong hanggang dun nalang yun.. na "dumaan ka lang" talaga...

kakanta nalang ako ng "Oo".. at aalalahanin lahat ng yosing inubos ko para aksyahin ang oras kesa isipin ka.. oo, ganun ganun lang yon... kelangan ko ding tanggapin na tapos na yon. tapos na at naalala ko lang bigla. Nauubos ang yosi. Pati ang lighter nawawala... etong pakiramdam din ba maliligaw na sa iba?

Kamusta na kaya ang Tagaytay? Nakakamiss dun kasama ka.

before the "todo-todo" memory brushed into my mind... I was okay. I think having nine lives, a bit of exaggeration, at least more than one, after the accident and a short stay-in at the hospital, I think I have the right to say I have more than one life that makes me say I am okay.

I was okay. I live good enough I think. Empty in some aspects, but enough for me to wake up, go to work decently, have a little clean fun with few friends, then head back to my boboland, and repeat the steps as I wake up again the next day.

Though a feeling of emptiness sometimes is felt more than usual, I'd prefer being slightly aware that I was a bit pathetic than empty. I confess that I feel empty. Sometimes ignorance is fucking better. Honesty policy is absurd.. turd.

Then the "todo-todo" memory.. Bakit ba kelangan pang dumaan sa isip, diba? Well anybody can say that we can control or at least choose what to think.. Fine fine. As if I wanted to remember it.. BIGLA. Yes, weird and creepy. But it poofed like that into my mind. Poofed. I tried to chill and shake it off. Yes, the memory wore off.. But the feeling lingered.

For years now, I (oo, I ulet. Selfish selfish selfish, puro ako.) believed that you have the power and control on what to think, but you have no power at all to the emotions you feel.. yet, you can do something about that feeling. It pays off to choose to be quiet when you're mad than blabbed on to someone how mad you are and how you hate that thing/person. There are regretful things to say. It is also a good thing to contain the happiness and excitement you feel whenever it is appropriate so not to offend anybody.

Now I am floating to whatever's left of blissful moments in my mind about you. About us. About whatever's good in my life. I want to forget that once I was keen on things that depresses me overnight, or for longer periods. This is momentary bliss.

And after this, I know time can never run out for me yet, remember more than 1 life?.. but the seconds in my life is just like a breeze flowing away.. wasted with the empty feeling. When enough is finally enough?

It will be when I choose it to be.

I should now be back to being "slightly" aware that I am miserable.